Planet Of The Apes (2001)

I was channel surfing this morning and noticed this turd was showing on FX. There's something about this awful movie that intrigues me, probably the fact that Tim Burton could direct something this laughably bad. I don't know why but whenever this movie is on TV, I just HAVE to watch it. The original movie, while cheesy still carried some weight. It was a social commentary first, and an action movie second. This movie is nothing  but a summer blockbuster, and a weak one at that. 

The movie stars Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg as Captain Leo Davidson,  an astronaut who crash lands his small pod on said Planet of the Apes after going through a wormhole in space. He sees that humans are dominated by apes on this planet, lead by a chimpanzee named General Thade (Tim Roth) Now that's all well and good, but the biggest problem is the apes themselves. They are absolute morons, and Tim Burton has them act very weird. The prosthetic makeup is excellent, but the actors are completely over the top to the point where it's laughable. They hoot and holler, bounce around, quip about absolutely nothing and overall make idiots of themselves. The worst part is that a lot of the actors playing the apes are capable of better. I'm a huge fan of Tim Roth, and truth be told he's the only one who escapes with some dignity. The rest, not so much. Michael Clarke Duncan, Helena Bonham Carter and Paul Giamatti do not demonstrate much of anything. Marky Mark really gives no effort. I used to be critical of him, but I've come to recognize that he can act when given the right script. In the movie, he realizes that his crew went through the wormhole  after him, but after crash landing the apes on board their ship revolted, which began their conquest of the planet. Through this whole explanation, Marky Mark shows no emotion. He just wears a blank Keanu Reeves style face the whole time before starting the human rebellion. Estelle Harris is his love interest. This was her first movie and she sucks in it, and sucks hard. She never had a career in acting: probably for the best. Oh, and that kid was so, so terrible. The story is also dumb.The ending is pretty infamous in the worst way. It comes out of nowhere, and makes no sense at all. It was used to set up a sequel, which is a pet peeve of mine. I understand wanting to set up a sequel, but that should not be how you end your movie. Create a satisfying, sensical conclusion to your story, and hint at future trouble. The Hunger Games did it right. Peeta and Katniss are together, and both win the Games. They go home, but there is a hint of trouble from President Snow. Done. The story is over, but there is a setup for more material. This movie doesn't have that. A sequel was never made, so we have no clue what that ending meant. Finally this movie was straight up boring. The stakes didn't work because you don't care about the characters. The direction is shoddy with random scenes just popping up and the apes making random noises and doing random things because Burton thought it was funny. Well, there is nothing funny about this mess. It's a lame and uninspired remake which isn't even good for a few thrills. Thankfully, we have 2011's excellent Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, which proved this franchise still has fire. I took the CGI apes in that movie much more seriously than the actors playing the apes here because the filmmakers took it seriously. They didn't try to be cheesy, they told a serious dramatic story which worked very well. I have no more to say. This movie is a black stain on Tim Burton's career, but the movie is oddly watchable. It must be seen to be believed. The corniness and cheese are heaped on, making a movie that's so bad it's awesome. If you want to see it, prepare to laugh. It's a very funny movie, but for all the wrong reasons. Take it away Charlton Heston: